Stephanie

He Says He Loves Me

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 15:08:26 GMT

And he hurts me,

Over and over again.

He hurts me,

So much that I don’t even know where to begin.

He resents me,

Every time he sees my face.

He resents me,

And wishes that she was still living at his place.

He doesn’t listen,

And doesn’t seem to care at all.

He doesn’t listen,

Sometimes I wonder why I even call.

He makes me cry,

Every night and every day.

He makes me cry,

And he leaves me without any words to say.

He misses her,

And keeps her locked in frames all around.

He misses her,

And not a picture of me can be found.

He lies to me,

But I guess nothing matters anymore.

He lies to me,

And I am left crying on my bedroom floor.

He says he loves me,

Sometimes twice a day.

He says he loves me,

But gives me no reason to stay.

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 10:08:44 GMT

I hate what you do to me.
Why did you play this game?
I have had enough,
I am so tired of the pain.

I hate what you do to me.
Why did you even bother?
Stop lying,
Can’t you try any harder?

I hate what you do to me.
Why did you let me sleep in your bed?
You want to wake up to her,
The color of her eyes are painted in your head.

I hate what you do to me.
Why must you let me down over again?
I am tired of this,
Throwing up feelings on paper to keep me sane.

I hate what you do to me.
And i hope one day you'll feel the same.

When I Call

Sun, 24 Feb 2008 06:24:33 GMT

Please don’t pick up when I call,
Let me hurt a little more.
Please don’t pick up when I call,
Leave me crying on the floor.

I am leaving,
Don’t stop me.
I am leaving,
You never loved me.

I am not her,
Sorry I let you down.
I am not her,
Sorry I am brunette and my eyes are brown.

36 blocks down the street,
Don’t keep me as a memory.
36 blocks down your street,
Don’t even think of me.

Another phone number to delete,
Watch me flock and flee.
Another phone number to delete,
You were never really there for me.

Please don’t pick up when I call,
Let me hurt a little more.
Please don’t pick up when I call,
Cause you still love her like you loved her before.

Her Picture

Thu, 21 Feb 2008 02:19:31 GMT

Put her picture down,
She left you months ago
She dumped you and skipped town,
Yet you don’t even know.

Stop singing her favorite song,
No one wants to listen,
Its been far too long,
What are you missing?

No more love letters,
She doesn’t even care.
Stop telling me its going to be better,
When you are never really there.

Don’t pretend to love me,
This is going nowhere,
I am not everything you want me to be,
I don’t speak French or have blonde hair.

Lets just part our ways,
I know your feelings and I am not scared.
There is not much left for me to say,
I just wonder if you ever really cared.

Dismantle Me

Sat, 16 Feb 2008 20:33:39 GMT

Dismantle me,
And ill gladly fall apart.
Get out of my life,
You are fucking breaking my heart.

It is over,
We should be through.
Can’t deal with this,
I have already lost you.

Take your time,
Ill get up and leave.
Lock the door,
I’ve already left my spare key.

Forget my name,
Delete my number in your phone.
Don’t call me when you are feeling ashamed,
Or when you are tired of being alone.

Ill be moving on,
And pretend to be fine.
You are gone,
And I have left all my feelings behind.

So this is goodbye,
Sorry you have no say.
Can’t live loving you like this,
Not now, not today.

Happiness.

Tue, 12 Feb 2008 06:25:56 GMT

I am somewhere in between Tampa and next Tuesday.
I write when i am bored and sleep when i am inspired.

but maybe misery

Sat, 15 Dec 2007 07:52:17 GMT

but you get around,
you want me.
you come around,
you need me.
but this time around, I won't be back at all...

Falling

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 08:27:51 GMT

And it sits in my stomach, like an unsettled cigarette and a stale glass of wine.

I hate this feeling. I want you, I need you, I hate you, I love you.

There is no rhyme or reason.

Ive never been so unsure,

Falling in and out of your lure.

And you will sit in my stomach and I will wait for the next bite,

This feeling I have for you is too hard to fight.

I want you, I need you, I hate you, I love you.

Can we make this end?

Maybe just walk away.

Wish I could find any words to say.

There is no rhyme or reason.

I just want you as mine.

Take it away, I cant have this eating me alive.

Love you, hate you, I just want to die.

I want to get over you,

And fall for you all over again.

Can we make this end ?

Maybe just walk away.

But please don’t make me walk today.

Tomorrow

Mon, 26 Nov 2007 22:07:24 GMT

I am on the edge of my seat and my next nervous break down.

God, I hope the phone doesn’t ring again.

He just called me. Why now? I was just starting to think that I had forgotten him.

Or better yet, that he had forgotten me.

But, no. He still loves me. He still calls me sweetheart and wishes me sweet dreams.

I am breaking both of our hearts and he doesn’t have a clue.

Why did I even pick up the phone?

So I am thinking, on the edge of my seat and my next nervous breakdown.

I sit and I think.

I am fighting tears and thoughts of two broken hearts, and some how I manage to think.

I could leave him, I could love him.

I could hide my feelings, and forget about what I really want.

But, I can’t. I can’t stop being in love.

I am in love and it’s not with the stranger that called me thirty three minutes ago.

I feel guilty. I feel nauseous.

I am going to throw up everything left of me on the table and call it a night.

Why do I make promises? I am not good at them.

Not at all.

I am crying. Fifty six minutes later, I am crying and wondering why I picked up the phone or fell in love in the first place.

It’s not worth it. I should light a cigarette, cough till I can’t breathe and run away.

Its 2:52 am and I am about ready to jump in my car and find the nearest exit.

I want to drive till tomorrow is today.

But it won’t help.

No, not at all.

My hands are beating and my heart is shaking.

I am mixed up and broke down on the side of the road with all my emotions.

I can’t breathe.

I don’t know if I could if I wanted to.

Why do I make promises?

Its 2:59 am on a Tuesday night and waiting for tomorrow won’t help.

48.

Mon, 12 Nov 2007 14:23:29 GMT

Its 3 am on a Monday night and I have never been so lonely. The coffee is stale in my cup and my thoughts expired two and half hours ago. I am numb, I am dying for attention.

I hate the weather, it makes me want to throw up any happiness I have left in the pit of my stomach.

Its foggy. Its fucking foggy, like any other November night.

The coffee sits, the cup is full, I am empty, the coffee sits and I will be alone for the next six hours. I hate the this weather. My thoughts all start running together. Fogginess. Foggy. Fog, its all the fucking same.

He is 48 blocks away, lighting cigarettes on his porch and watching them burn along with thoughts he has left of me. He is lonely in his loneliness, and I am trying to find another excuse not to think about him. I look, I look, I look … no excuse.

Its 3:34 am on a Monday night and I have never been so lonely. Where the hell is my cream? Or sugar? Anything. I need something, where the hell is the coffee? Where the hell is he?

I hate the lighting in my apartment. Dimmed. Its dimmed like every hopeful thought i have of us.

Its foggy. Its fucking foggy, like any other night I am without you.

Wondering and Wandering

Wed, 05 Sep 2007 15:19:50 GMT

I am weaving in and out of day dreams and tangled in frequent flyer miles.
I am here, there and somewhere in between.
You are watching me smile, and i am trying hard not to be seen.

I couldnt even begin to tell you where i have been the past couple months, and i think i like it like that.

If Only

Mon, 21 May 2007 05:14:44 GMT

"I was half in love with her by the time we sat down. That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can."

- J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

Drugged Love

Thu, 17 May 2007 13:56:07 GMT

I laid there, naked, sweating, simmering in this crock pot of sheets, sex and cigarette smoke.
I was waiting.
Waiting for the next drag, the next hit, the next fuck, or the next blink of a lampshade to throw me off balance again.
I was out of it. I had everything. I wanted more.
Addicted.
Addiction, it felt good in my empty stomach and glistened on my slinky of a body.
I watched my skeleton become fluid with the bed I was fall into. One ripple at a time, I came closer and closer to being translucent in a sea of unconsciousness.
It all kept me swimming though.
His hand on my breast, my stomach, my lips sent vibrations through my body and kept me afloat.
The flame of the Zippo lighter.
The prescriptions.
Blank words from the stereo,
Bottles of Jack and Merlot.
It all kept me afloat.
He cradled me with his hazy eyes, and I laid there.
My heart flickered. 1 2 3 4.
1 2 3 4. I was still alive.
I needed another.
One more to keep me breathing.
The oxygen was dancing through my oil laced hair, it was beating to get to my brain.
My head ached.
I needed another.
One more.
He was petting me, my head ached and my veins were braiding my body into the bed.
The fingers evaporated on my skin and the vibrations sent me through the mattress.
I was gone.
I was out of it.
I had everything.
I wanted more.
One more.
I laid there, breathing sex. My body was gone. My head ached.
My eyes spiraled around the ceiling fan and cigarette smoke clouded the room.,
Breathe.
Kept breathing. Keep breathing. Breathing.
No space. No arms. Chipped nail polish. Lines. Lines. No legs. No feeling.
I laid there.
Naked.
Empty.
I was out of it.
I had everything.
I wanted more.

Every Tuesday

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 13:14:28 GMT

I am head over heels. I cant stop it. I try not to think about you, it doesn’t work. I don’t even try anymore. Its quite simple, I want you. More than the John, Matt or whats-his-face that I was boy crazy over for a week. I want you. I want to be a reason you wake up in the morning. I want to make you dinner, piss you off, make you go crazy, and have you need me half as much as I need you. I can’t help it.

Just tell me. I have to know. I need to know. Is there someone else ? Cause if there is, I’ll be fine … I promise. Wait… I know I won’t be. I just want you to be happy. I love the way your smile tilts when you are really happy. Maybe she can make you happy. Maybe you want her, I am sure she is great. I bet she is blonde and gets her nails done every Tuesday.

I am probably six steps ahead of myself and scaring you with these crazy ideas but I cant stop. I am scaring myself, I have never been like this. Its real. Its real and I am scared out of my mind. How did I become like this? This isn't me. Is it me ? Has to be. This is me. This is the me that wants you. I want to fill my glass up with you, constantly. I know what mouth wash you use and your favorite kind of pasta. I want to be there, I want to be with you.

So I am done rambling, for whatever its worth. I hope you get to work on time tomorrow, sleep well tonight and get the first cup of coffee in the morning, cause I know you like when that happens. I promise I won’t waste anymore of your time but just know that your mix cd is going to be in my car till it crashes and you will be on my mind till I forget that I ever needed you.

late nite lullabies and acoustic alarm clocks

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 13:40:15 GMT

I woke up in a day dream this morning.

He Knows His Way Home

Sun, 22 Apr 2007 20:28:26 GMT

I am the Chevy pick up parked out front,
He is always wanting something new.

I am his lost car keys.
He knows right where he left me.

I am the radiator.
He’ll need my body to keep him going.

I am one of his favorite song on the mix tape.
He plays me over and over.

I am his seat belt.
He will forget me when he drives home.

I am the backseat of his car.
He knows that’s where I’ll be.

I am the rearview mirror,
He doesn’t need to look back, cause I am not far behind.

I am the cracked window.
He lets me give him air, another breath, another empty stare.

I am the tank top on floor and wrinkled jeans on the dash,
He is happy, knowing this wouldn’t be our last car crash.

I am naked.
He’ll kiss and break me, then let me sleep.

I am skin and bones.
And I watch him see right through me.

Turn It Up

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 05:37:04 GMT

I am ...
Excited. Tired. Stephanie. Tan Lines. Nervous. Antsy. Singing. Driving. A Mess. Painted Toe Nails. Laughs. A Headache. A Photograph. Chips and Salsa. Orange. A Bad Parking Job. An Escape. Text Messages. A Masterpiece. Collection of Words. Thinking. Praying. Running Late. On Time. Beach. Bruises. A Crush. A Lush. Bookshelf. Bright Idea. Mistake. Malia by Hollister. Breating. Typing. A Livejournal. Useless Read. Entertainment. A Monkey. A Set Of Car Keys. Mix CDs. An Iced Coffe with Cream and Sugar. A Best Friend. A Stranger. An Annoying Song. Dancing. Low Rise Jeans. Thinking Of You. Sensitive. Late for Class. Early For Work. Brown Eyes. Stressed. Smiling.

Sun, 15 Apr 2007 23:48:32 GMT

Dear So and So,

Sorry for playing with your emotions and breaking your heart. Stay distant and stay guarded, don’t let yourself fall apart. Wake up in the morning and try not to think about it again, falling for me and my ways would only be a sin.

Sign the dotted line, and try to forget my name. This might be love for you, but to me its only a game. I have every feeling locked in a drawer, I am heartache and pain hiding behind my front door. The insecurities should explain it all, please don’t fall, please don’t fall.

So, Dear So and So, here it is … I’ll remember you as my one loss and my one regret. I’ll just never learn what you give is what you get.

Downtown

Sat, 07 Apr 2007 22:33:14 GMT

Ten minutes to downtown, is ten minutes too far.
When my friends all say I'm crazy,
maybe I'm being selfish.
Maybe I'm just scared.
Don't be gone when I get home...I need you there.
If I had to explain it,
I wouldn't know where to start.
It's like you're falling in love while i just fall apart.

Sat, 07 Apr 2007 04:36:52 GMT

I find my thoughts merging on highways.

Tiremark Testimony

Thu, 05 Apr 2007 04:35:32 GMT

I hate car rides that don’t drive me to you. I am an open map, with 18 different roads and 6 right turns that lead me all back. I am ready, I don’t want to go slow. I want it, I need it.
I have spent the past couple days driving, both on I 275 and on a highway of ideas.
There must be something or someone who is keeping me going.

Redial

Mon, 02 Apr 2007 05:53:14 GMT

I fucking hate it.
Busy signal. Straight to voicemail.
Please pick up. Please pick up. Please pick up.
Redial. Redial.
I have a problem.
241 - 65 … 5 … 4 ? 3?
I am so shaky, my fingers are forgetting the one number they know.
Please pick up. Please pick up. Please pick up.
I NEED TO TALK TO HIM.
I am afraid. I am alone. I need attention. I need him.
I am a drama queen. I am a bitch.
And I am lying to myself.
I call him when I need him.
He calls. Monday through Sunday.
He calls me. Over and over.
I need it. I love it. It works.

Where is he ?
Goddamn.
He needs me. No one but me.
I need him. And his friend. And his friends friend.
Insecure, very insecure.
This is a test.
It is a fucking test and I know it.
I am shallow and inconsiderate.
I am also the biggest liar I know.
241 - 65 … 5 …4 ?
241 - 65 … 5 … 3? 4 ?
I don’t know the digits, I keep dialing them anyways.
No answer.
Urgh, Redial.

“Hello you have reached the voicemail box….”
Click. Hang up.
I am tired of empty phone calls.
I want his voice.
The receiver is covered in sweat from my hands and slipping like my train of thought.
Why am I calling him? Why?
I try again.
No answer.
I think I am actually falling for him.
I didn’t want this to happen.
I knew this would happen.
Worried, yes, I am worried.
Goddamn it, I am worried and I am vulnerable.

I am empty. I am scattered.
I know why I am calling him.
It might be the attention.
Or his crocked smile.
Or the fact that I want to be with him.
241 - 65 … 5 … 3? 44444.
Please pick up. Please pick up.
I have to tell him.
I am sorry.

Now he gets to play.
He gets attention. He needs it, he wants it.
The phone is chanting his name, and he I am his biggest fan.
Its hurt me, like it hurt him.
I NEED TO FEEL.
The digits dial my heartache.
241 - 65 … 5 …4 ?
And power lines connect me to another lonely night.

After Hours Adrenaline

Wed, 28 Mar 2007 02:21:13 GMT

I am wasted.
I am pumping with stale red wine.
I am knee high with emotions and shallow thoughts.
I am looking for attention.
I am waiting for him to take me home.

He is buzzed.
He is running on whiskey and cigarettes.
He is inflating his ego.
He is looking for action.
He is waiting for another tally mark tattoo.

We are naked.
We are burning with pure adrenaline.
We are skin deep with sweat and impulse.
We are looking for love.
We are waiting for reality to sink in.

Scribbled.

Sun, 25 Mar 2007 01:31:19 GMT

I am a collage of car accidents, lost cell phone numbers and loose change.
My hair is a mess, and there is a rip in my jeans.
I have thirteen dollars in cash and four too many people telling me i am out of my mind.
I am hard to read, i wish i knew how to write.
This is me, at least i know what i am tonight.

Sleeping Next to The Sunrise

Fri, 09 Mar 2007 05:45:47 GMT

Happiness:
Coffee
Daydreaming
Doodling
Long Showers
Causal Smiles
Oranges
Strawberry Water
Short Shorts
CollarBone Kisses
Sandals
Spring Cleaning
Blushed Cheeks
Compliments
Painted Toe Nails
Sunrises