And it sits in my stomach, like an unsettled cigarette and a stale glass of wine.

I hate this feeling. I want you, I need you, I hate you, I love you.

There is no rhyme or reason.

Ive never been so unsure,

Falling in and out of your lure.

And you will sit in my stomach and I will wait for the next bite,

This feeling I have for you is too hard to fight.

I want you, I need you, I hate you, I love you.

Can we make this end?

Maybe just walk away.

Wish I could find any words to say.

There is no rhyme or reason.

I just want you as mine.

Take it away, I cant have this eating me alive.

Love you, hate you, I just want to die.

I want to get over you,

And fall for you all over again.

Can we make this end ?

Maybe just walk away.

But please don’t make me walk today.

I hate the weather, it makes me want to throw up any happiness I have left in the pit of my stomach.

Its foggy. Its fucking foggy, like any other November night.

The coffee sits, the cup is full, I am empty, the coffee sits and I will be alone for the next six hours. I hate the this weather. My thoughts all start running together. Fogginess. Foggy. Fog, its all the fucking same.

He is 48 blocks away, lighting cigarettes on his porch and watching them burn along with thoughts he has left of me. He is lonely in his loneliness, and I am trying to find another excuse not to think about him. I look, I look, I look … no excuse.

Its 3:34 am on a Monday night and I have never been so lonely. Where the hell is my cream? Or sugar? Anything. I need something, where the hell is the coffee? Where the hell is he?

I hate the lighting in my apartment. Dimmed. Its dimmed like every hopeful thought i have of us.

Its foggy. Its fucking foggy, like any other night I am without you.

I laid there, naked, sweating, simmering in this crock pot of sheets, sex and cigarette smoke. 
I was waiting. 
Waiting for the next drag, the next hit, the next fuck, or the next blink of a lampshade to throw me off balance again.
I was out of it. I had everything. I wanted more. 
Addicted.
Addiction, it felt good in my empty stomach and glistened on my slinky of a body.
I watched my skeleton become fluid with the bed I was fall into. One ripple at a time, I came closer and closer to being translucent in a sea of unconsciousness.
It all kept me swimming though. 
His hand on my breast, my stomach, my lips sent vibrations through my body and kept me afloat.
The flame of the Zippo lighter.
The prescriptions.
Blank words from the stereo,
Bottles of Jack and Merlot.
It all kept me afloat.
He cradled me with his hazy eyes, and I laid there.
My heart flickered. 1 2 3 4.
1 2 3 4. I was still alive.
I needed another.
One more to keep me breathing.
The oxygen was dancing through my oil laced hair, it was beating to get to my brain.
My head ached.
I needed another.
One more.
He was petting me, my head ached and my veins were braiding my body into the bed.
The fingers evaporated on my skin and the vibrations sent me through the mattress.
I was gone.
I was out of it.
I had everything.
I wanted more.
One more.
I laid there, breathing sex. My body was gone. My head ached.
My eyes spiraled around the ceiling fan and cigarette smoke clouded the room.,
Breathe.
Kept breathing. Keep breathing. Breathing.
No space. No arms. Chipped nail polish. Lines. Lines. No legs. No feeling.
I laid there.
Naked.
Empty.
I was out of it. 
I had everything.
I wanted more.

I am head over heels. I cant stop it. I try not to think about you, it doesn’t work. I don’t even try anymore. Its quite simple, I want you. More than the John, Matt or whats-his-face that I was boy crazy over for a week. I want you. I want to be a reason you wake up in the morning. I want to make you dinner, piss you off, make you go crazy, and have you need me half as much as I need you. I can’t help it.

Just tell me. I have to know. I need to know. Is there someone else ? Cause if there is, I’ll be fine … I promise. Wait… I know I won’t be. I just want you to be happy. I love the way your smile tilts when you are really happy. Maybe she can make you happy. Maybe you want her, I am sure she is great. I bet she is blonde and gets her nails done every Tuesday.

I am probably six steps ahead of myself and scaring you with these crazy ideas but I cant stop. I am scaring myself, I have never been like this. Its real. Its real and I am scared out of my mind. How did I become like this? This isn't me. Is it me ? Has to be. This is me. This is the me that wants you. I want to fill my glass up with you, constantly. I know what mouth wash you use and your favorite kind of pasta. I want to be there, I want to be with you.

So I am done rambling, for whatever its worth. I hope you get to work on time tomorrow, sleep well tonight and get the first cup of coffee in the morning, cause I know you like when that happens. I promise I won’t waste anymore of your time but just know that your mix cd is going to be in my car till it crashes and you will be on my mind till I forget that I ever needed you.

I am the Chevy pick up parked out front,
He is always wanting something new.

I am his lost car keys.
He knows right where he left me.

I am the radiator.
He’ll need my body to keep him going.

I am one of his favorite song on the mix tape.
He plays me over and over.

I am his seat belt.
He will forget me when he drives home.

I am the backseat of his car.
He knows that’s where I’ll be.

I am the rearview mirror,
He doesn’t need to look back, cause I am not far behind.

I am the cracked window.
He lets me give him air, another breath, another empty stare.

I am the tank top on floor and wrinkled jeans on the dash,
He is happy, knowing this wouldn’t be our last car crash.

I am naked.
He’ll kiss and break me, then let me sleep.

I am skin and bones.
And I watch him see right through me.

Dear So and So,

Sorry for playing with your emotions and breaking your heart. Stay distant and stay guarded, don’t let yourself fall apart. Wake up in the morning and try not to think about it again, falling for me and my ways would only be a sin.

Sign the dotted line, and try to forget my name. This might be love for you, but to me its only a game. I have every feeling locked in a drawer, I am heartache and pain hiding behind my front door. The insecurities should explain it all, please don’t fall, please don’t fall.

So, Dear So and So, here it is … I’ll remember you as my one loss and my one regret. I’ll just never learn what you give is what you get.